I am not sure how many people can actually relate to what I'm going through but I know everyone has their struggles in many forms. 'Munafik', a movie title of the famous Malaysian horror movie that always make me cringe and embarrassed everytime I hear that word. Why? Because I think it describes me perfectly what I am now.
If you see me from the outside, I look like one of those girls who is likely to pray 5 times a day at least, innocent, free from the greater sins. HAH! I snorted to myself and the devil around me would be rolling around laughing and say 'oh you all are so wrong about her...' Doesn't it sound scary? But it's true. It's scarier than the Munafik movie.
But that's not what I am trying to tell you here. I've been in these down moments quite a few times now. First of all, being a muslim, if you're not a muslim reading this let me tell you, NOT ALL MUSLIMS ARE ACTING LIKE MUSLIMS. WE ARE HUMANS LIKE EVERYONE ELSE. WE SINNED, WE DO BAD THINGS.
But the difference between a muslim who knows the true love of Allah S.W.T and a muslim who just knows His name is that, whenever you sin, you can feel He is there in front of you, witnessing and is silent. But the Angels I'm sure are furious around me, I can feel that but what's terrible is that, He is silent. That silence make your heart cry without your mind knowing it. Then the mind gets the heart's message and constantly asks me, 'what did you do??' but helplessly. It's sad right.
When I was practicing my deen, Allah S.W.T gave me a friend and we've become best friends ever since. I brought her everywhere with me. She's always there with me in times of sadness and happiness. A week ago, I just realise she was missing. I've been searching for her around and until now I could not find her. I'm in a state of shock right now. I haven't been practicing my deen properly for the past one year...but losing her now is a sign I'm really lost right now. She is my Quran.
Some of you might not understand this but Al-Quran is what keeps you close to Allah S.W.T. You read it every single day, your life is as light and as bright as ever that is why she is my best friend. My Quran is a 'Tafsir' book. It's basically a Quran that has translations in it as well. This type of Quran, you can read and touch it without even applying your wudhu or having your period. Mine is small and compact so it's portable.
My one and only Tafsir is actually a gift from a best friend of mine and that's the only Tafsir I have. Years and years, my pink tafsir gets colorful because of the sticky tabs I put around it to remind me of the good quotes I've came across in it. The last I've seen it was used by my sister when she was reciting Yassin months ago. I've checked my room but it's not there, I haven't checked other rooms in the house but I hope she's around. I don't think I can sleep well that she's missing. Please don't get me wrong, it's not because of her missing, I can't read other Qurans but the fact that she is missing indicates how terrible my life is right now. It's a huge slap on the face. A strike of reality.
Now it's Ramadhan, and I wish to get back on track with my deen. Do pray for me to be strong and pray that I can find my missing tafsir. I know I can just get a new one but I am not the one who can change a true best friend really quickly. Before I end, I would like to share a quote to relate today's post.
'And we send down the Quraan that which is a healing and a mercy to those who believe," (Quran, 17:82)